Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
