saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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