his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
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