I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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