cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Randomize