i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
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