there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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