did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
A+ Viking dick
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
