Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
