I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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