You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
