I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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