Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
It's never too late to be topless.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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