he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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