420 ftw
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
