Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
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