I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
