When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
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