I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
