So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
