Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
