fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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