I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I think my nap took me to another dimension
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Randomize
