god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
i drank out of a bidet.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
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