So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
