Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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