The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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