If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
