DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
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