Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
I want her autograph on my taint
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
