Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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