I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
