He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
