Betty ford says i'm here all night
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
