When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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