Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
