I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
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