you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Randomize
