she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
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