I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
