We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
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