Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
