just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Randomize
