don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
