you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
