I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
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