Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Randomize
