she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
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