found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
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