Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
I am one with the molecules
Randomize
