She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
