Whoa Z and x make the same sound
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
