I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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