I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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