Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
