I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
