I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
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